JonaBlog: An Emo Guide to Taking Self-Pictures

Boys:

-Remove your t-shirt for 25% of your self-portraits. If you're fat then you're clearly not Emo and this guide is not for you. You also cannot be Emo if you have blonde hair (unless you dye it black first. However, bleached sections of jet-black hair are acceptable) or belong to any social strata other than the caucasian middle classes.

-Hold your camera aloft, pointing downwards. Tilt your head upwards, ensuring that your fringe is covering one eye, and that you have applied enough eye-liner to the visible eye to show up in monochrome. It is preferred that you have a source of light placed to one side, especially for your topless pictures where it will illuminate your lithe frame and any tattoos that adorn it. For added contrast between light and dark, make sure your piercings catch the light. If you do not have any piercings, then you are not Emo.

-Look moody, as though the pressure of being you is about to crush you at any moment. Remember to pout.

-Take several dozen pictures. You will not be sifting through these pictures for the best: ALL OF THEM will be uploaded to your social networking site of choice and placed in an album with the faux self-deprecating title of "I'm Such a Poser lawl". You don't care that you're uploading 200 marginally different pictures of yourself. You're hawt and you want everyone to tell you that. But remember to reject all compliments given to you by visitors to your page, because when you look at yourself, all you see is hopelessness and woe staring back at you in skinny jeans.

NOTE: It is preferred but not demanded that you apply a black & white effect to your photographs. Pain shows up better in monochrome.

-Follow these steps any time you make a change to your appearance, e.g. shifting the direction of your fringe or getting a new tattoo, to keep your friends abreast of how you don't define yourself through appearance.

Girls

The procedure is basically the same, however female Emos should take note of the following:

-Chubby girls are allowed to be Emo. Your chubbiness is the root of your pain.

-Obviously, you will not be topless when taking your picture. That's just obscene. Instead, your aim is to take an intimate photo showing how fragile and vulnerable you are underneath all that hair-dye and eye-liner. To this end, you will wear a slightly too-large top, with one sleeve hanging off your shoulder. It is preferable that a bra-strap is NOT visible. Bras are slutty. You are sweet, misunderstood and vulnerable.

-You will face the camera and make the most of your shoulder-flesh without angling it too high. You want to look casual. Props are good: feel free to take pictures of yourself holding up a CD or with an ironic cuddly toy of some sort. Hello Kitty or Emily the Strange are good choices. A female friend is also an acceptable prop, as long as you lezz it up a bit.

-Remember to pout and look pained. Perhaps think of a boy who doesn't love you back to fuel your anguish. Or if you are chubby, just think how terrible it is that no one will see through that fat mess of mascara and nose-rings to the real you underneath.