Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Reader's Digest Version

Presenting the entire BTVS saga (yep, in it's entirety. There was NO Seasons 6 and 7, dammit) as told through the medium of classified ads.

Buffy Season 1

Lonely British Gentleman seeks young lady for exciting evenings in front of dusty old tomes and general killing of the nasties.
Girl Next Door seeks new best friend.
Young lady seeks brooding undead beefcake for sexual tension and meaningful glances.
Teenaged Everyman, prone to self-deprecating humour, would like to meet something to hump.
Bitch seeks heart.
Decrepit centuries old vampiric scion of evil is seeking boy (8 - 12) for prophetic mutterings and prom night excursion.
Inactive Doorway to Hell for sale; preferably to vampiric scion of evil. One previous owner; sadly passed away following encounter with young lady.


Season 2

Lonely British Gentleman seeks outgoing computer science teacher. Gypsy origin a plus. NS.
Young lady wants romp with undead beefcake.
Undead beefcake seeks arteries.
Computer science teacher with gypsy origin seeks love and untimely demise.
Adventurous couple seek undead beefcake with appreciation of demonic stonework for late night shenanigans.
Girl Next Door seeks quirky boyfriend for walks in the moonlight.
Bitch With Heart seeks Everyman for clandestine gropings.
Everyman looking for something to hump.
Adventurous couple and undead beefcake seek end of the world.
Notice! End of the World cancelled due to untimely loss of undead beefcake and absconding of adventurous couple. Refunds available.


Season 3

Mayor Wilkins would like to thank the citizens of Sunnydale for their support in the recent mayoral campaign!
Girl Next Door seeks gradual empowerment.
Everyman seeks something to hump.
Bitch With Heart seeks rehash of redemptive storyline.
Bad Girl available for work as hired goon. Skilled in administering bodily harm, both actual & grievous, and wearing leather pants.
Undead beefcake, recently returned from the… undead, is looking for fresh start in new city following graduation.
Quirky boyfriend seeks storyline.
Young lady wishes to notify citizens of youth rally against proposed mayoral policy of destroying the world. May get bloody. Minor characters should not expect to survive.


Season 4

Abrupt ex-demoness looking for something to hump.
Everyman wishes to cancel standing order for classified ad.
Government initiative seeking volunters for exciting experiment. Contact UC Sunnydale's Dept. of Nothing Suspicious Going On Here, Please Move Along. We will provide the limbs.
Unemployed British Gentleman with spacious housing has room to offer. Undead British Gentlemen preferable.
Confident Girl Next Door offers subtext-laden talks for Unconfident Girl Next Door.
Young lady seeks plank, 6 foot 2 with boyband hair, for nailing and using power tools on.
One half of adventurous couple looking for anger-management and all the best lines.
Half demon/half man for sale. Comes with Windows XP, 80GB Hard Drive, 256 MB RAM, nVidia Matrix Rip-Off Graphics Card and all the software you need to run a total psychopath.


Season 5

For Sale: Death. Unwanted gift.
Airhead offers reward of brain-sucking for lost keys. May be in the form of snivelling brat/plot-device.
Abrupt ex-demoness looking for gradual appreciation of humanity.
Snivelling brat WLTM emo-kids for self-harming and general whingeing.
Confident Girl Next Door continues to grow in power. Seeks like-minded individuals for chanting in Latin.
Everyman and British gentleman seek plotline.
One half of adventurous couple seeks last hurrah before having his character watered down into shadow of former glory.
Obit. Young lady plunges head first off of shoddy scaffolding in lightning storm. She saved the world. A lot.