Final Fantasy VII: The Reader's Digest Version

A witless but mega-quick meandering through a convoluted plot.


Hippies blow up reactor. One of them gets a headache.

The reactor's owner's don't take kindly to this and frame our heroes for larger, more violent act. Following a spot of cross-dressing, our Noble Hero Clueless Cloud leads Big Bear Barret, Tigger, Tits & Ass Tifa and Aeris (not Aerith, because I'm not hardcore enough to spell it Japanese style) past the walls of Midgar in search of life, love and Sephiroth. Also to get away from the Shinra nasties who want to get their mits on There's No 'S' In Aerith. (But there is in Aerisu, if you're totally hardcare fanboi x) And the tax people who want to speak to T&A Tifa about her bars so-called accounts.

Crossdressing Cloud continues to indulge in activities that raise questions about his sexuality, while suffering from headaches. The gang are joined by A Large Stuffed Cat, the definition of gruff man with a hard exterior but a heart of gold, Yuffie Powers: Girl Thief and Vincent in their fight against mutated non-lewd Jenova bits. There's No 'S' In Aerith, whose physical abilities aren't worth shit, has passive limit breaks and likes flowers, sushi and gentle lovers, thinks it'd be a great idea to run off on her own to cast the spell needed to stop Sephiroth, who by this stage has summoned a large meteor to make the world go smash. She gets a sword through her belly for her troubles. Frankly, it's deserved. Also: Her scrunchie falls into some water. Fanboys weep. Because Not!Aerith died. Not because of the scrunchie in the water thing. Though that'll be important later, so it falls in slow motion.

Crossdressing Cloud goes off to stab Sephiroth, then changes his mind and decides to join the Jenova Reunion, because there's going to be cocktail suasages and the unveiling of a collage. T&A Tifa has a nap, and when she wakes up the planet is being stomped on by Diamond Kong and OMEGA Hulk. Following a catfight, T&A discovers Crossdressing Cloud's come over catatonic and stays by his bedside because she likes the look of the magazines in the doctor's surgery at Mideel.

The definition of gruff man with a hard exterior but a heart of gold leads the others on the hunt for Huge Materia. If Materia are magic then Huge Materia are VERY Magic and can be used to blow shit up. Like the massive meteor Sephiroth invited to Jenova's party. The definition of gruff man with a hard exterior but a heart of gold fails utterly, but never fear, T&A is here to save the day. God help us. She ventures into Comatose Cloud's brain, and their combined intelligence, comparable to that of a gnat, is enough to uncover Cloud's Terrible Secret™. Which, surprisingly, doesn't involve any sort of revelation about his sex life.

After he's come out, Complete Cloud leads the others in an assault aimed at removing Sephiroth so Not!Aerith's Super Scrunchie Spell can blow shit up. Sephiroth gets creamed, the gang share some fuzzy happy moments and wait for Not!Aerith's spell to pass judgement on them all. Considering Cloud's crossdressing, Big Bear Barret's chronic neglect of his daughter, T&A Tifa's crimes against fashion (and her account-keeping improprieties), Yuffie's thievery and the fact that Cid gave a Fall Out Boy album five stars on Amazon, it's no surprise that There's No 'S' In Aerith's spell not only blows Meteor up, but takes all humanity with it, leaving Tigger free to roam the plains of the future without worrying his pups will hump someone's leg and have his membership of the Junon Yachting Club suspended.

Finally, that's where it ends, folks. There definitely wasn't a film where Cloud went Emo, or a roaming shooter with Vincent, or myriad novels or mobile-phone games starring the Turks. Nope, definitely not. Because the people at Squeenix care about their creations and the integrity of their art, and they wouldn't tear apart the simple, brutal majesty of the ending to FFVII solely to make a buck or three. If you were led to believe otherwise... well, just dismiss it as a fantasy.